So, this is 51.

One year on from when it all started to fall apart.

Turning 51

I guess this is the time of year for reflection. It also happens to be my birthday month. Last week I turned 51. I am shocked, I don't feel 51 most days. (Some days my body and brain do feel like I'm 65, but I won't dwell on that). I remember vividly my mum turning 50 and at the time I thought 50 was so ollllllllld.

The photo above is me trying to capture the dolphins in the water just as I was about to go for a swim. Later when I was looking at the photo I was surprised that I looked so peaceful. But that is what happens to me when I am around the water. It has such a calming effect on me.

This time last year, it seemed that everything around me was falling apart. It was when I realised that I would not be able to keep hold of a little dream of mine. I was in the second year of running my mobile coffee van, Willow.

How I loved that van. I would spend the morning chatting to beautiful customers as I made them their morning coffee. From inside the van I felt so safe and secure. It was an amazing way to view the birds and trees, listen to the sounds of the bush and be astounded that I made such a drastic life detour by leaving the Early Childhood Sector.

And of course in between customers I would crochet. Life was grand. But. In October while laying in the roof top tent I stretched my arm over my head and felt something snap. Oh the pain. But I clocked it and just went on. As you do. And then my fingers and arms started to tingle and then cramp. So I slowed right down on the crochet. I also realised when I was tampering the coffee grinds my sore arm ached even more. No worries at all I thought, I would tamper with my left hand. And kept the pain to myself.

By December my arms and hands were stuffed. I would wake at night crying in pain and knew it was time to acknowledge the problem. By this stage there was no crochet going on and it broke my heart having to turn down crochet orders. I thought if I could just get the coffee van through to my close down period of Christmas I could take a break and my arms and hands would heal. As I was now tampering with my left hand, it too was beyond painful. I could not lift either arm. Forget swimming, I could only walk in the water and preform a pitiful side stroke. Hubby had to help me dress.

The irony was that with my then 50th birthday approaching I had purchased the most glorious crochet kit with beautiful yarn for me to create with. I couldn't crochet, I couldn't even hold a pen. Looking at the beautiful crochet kit made me want to cry.

Weeks into the new year, the break from coffee making and crochet did not help my arms. I did not want to face the fact that I would not be able to keep my beautiful little coffee van. After lots of discussion we decided to put the van and our house on the market to see what happened. Maybe it was time for something new, you can read about it here and here.

But my goodness, I felt like such a failure in my professional life which of course flowed into my personal life. I realised without a 'job' I felt worthless. I had tied my self worth into what I could financially contribute. I guess it is hard to break habits/beliefs that I have had since I was 15.

Over time my arms and hands have finally healed. I can crochet and knit again but I have strict time limits and craft free days. (They are really not my favourite days but that is what I have to do now).

It is and was such a relief not to have the continual pain in my arms. I am well aware that I have been so fortunate that I could take the time for my body to heal.

Moving near the water has been a test as I so wanted to be able to swim. (Proper, freestyle swimming, not my pitiful side stroke) So it was with great hesitancy that I first stretched out my arms in the water and they were able to move. My arms and shoulders were able to rotate! My gosh! I was amazed and so thankful. I can not even describe the feeling, but the joy in my body being able to preform a task that it was unable to do for so long was incredible. Seriously, whenever I go for a swim I feel like jumping from the water and fist pumping the air! Telling people, 'but I couldn't do this last year'. But of course I don't say it, I just smile at everyone and say 'hello'.

So I guess a year on, this is why I look so peaceful on the water's edge.

Life has taught me yet again, that it needed time. Time to mend, time to heal, time to move on, time to move through it all. As for the feeling of worthiness well I'm working through that too. Again, I am sure that it will take time.

I have visual reminders like my amazing bracelets from Indigo Bay. Whenever I am feeling that sense of being unworthy I look at my wrist. One bracelet reminds me that I am worthy. The other reminds me that I am Strong AF. Not because I have to be all the time (gosh, no, I am way to emotional for that) but it is a reminder that I have been Strong AF to get to this stage and time of my life.

my beautiful reminders from Indigo Bay

Thanks for reading this far. If you want to talk, I am here to listen, reply to this blog post or email me directly.

And please do something just for yourself today.

Melissa xx